Tips On Helping Your Best Bud Cope

Helping people as a peer or friend isn't always easy. Helping others is a skill. You can get better and better and it's not something that everyone can do effectively. I've talked to people who've said things like, "I suck at helping people. I just don't know what to say." "I get so frustrated and impatient so I just don't help people." Even with friends, people can struggle with it. Sure you care for them but you don't know how to help them in a way that's reasonable. You can't fix or cure anyone. Not even a therapist can do that. Let me tell you what I've picked up on over the years of helping people just as a friend.

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Listen to them

Hey this one seems pretty simple but you'd be surprised how many people can't sit down and actively observe and listen. They get impatient or frustrated. This is the ultimate factor that's going to help your friend to not only trust you more but ease them. You need their trust so that they can slowly open up to you and explain what's going on. You're not going to be able to help them if you don't know what's going on inside their head. This is a process that might be fast or take time. It depends on the person and how much they trust you already. Do not rush them. Don't talk, just listen. Look into their eyes and show them you're actively tuned in. People with depression can feel very isolated and lonely. They might feel like no one cares and if you show that you truly do, it will be amazing. People also have a lot going on in their head so being able to talk about it with someone who's really listening can feel good and be very helpful.

Don't take it personally

I really had an ah ha moment when I realized this could be a great strategy for helping a friend or even a stranger. It can also help you when you're frustrated and irritated to take a step back and realize what's really going on. I've observed that a lot of the times people who lash out at others aren't always necessarily doing it because of the person. There's a deeper underlying reason and if you understand that, it will help you to not take it personally. This leads into another point.

Ask open ended questions

This is the only way to really know what's going on. This will also help you to learn more about them as well. Open ended questions are awesome because it puts the focus on them and helps people to open up, it can help you when both of you have nothing to say, and it helps you to learn. With this you can keep conversations going for hours if the person is willing to open up and talk. If you're both up for that, great.

Education

If you don't know what depression is about, you should learn about it so you can understand your friend better. Everyone is individualized in some way but learning the basics is good. You'll also understand that depression isn't the person being lazy.

Don't try to change their emotions

I've seen so many people uncomfortable with someone's sadness or hurt. They might tell the person to stop crying, suck it up, think positive, you'll get over it, or anything that suggests that they want the person to stop. If you really care and understand, you'll allow that person to feel what they are feeling.

One time my friend wasn't ready to talk and was upset so we just sat in silence for like 2 minutes. When she was ready, she began talking. I gave her space and time to just feel and prepare. Seriously, give a person time and space to think through their emotions. It's ok to not be ok. It's ok to sit with emotions and work through them. Emotions are like a compass and they guide us. Running away or stuffing it all inside isn't going to help you.

Check in on them

Even if they aren't talking about themselves, it's good to ask how they are occasionally so they know you're interested and care.

Know when to tell them to seek help

You're only a friend. You're not a therapist so there are limitations you'll face. Suggesting to a friend that they need professional help isn't bad. Sometimes people need that level of support because as a friend you can't offer it. If they are anxious or scared, you can offer to go with them for the first session.

They are not you

How you handle emotions and feel will be different for someone else. What hurts you a little could hurt someone a lot. You have to understand this and make sure to never make someone feel guilty or wronged because of it. You wouldn't be a good friend if you did so.